While we all go into marriage with the best intentions, the
sad fact is that divorce rates remain high in our country. However, many
families are dealing with divorce, remarriage and joint custody in positive,
healthy ways. Children are usually their parent's chief concern during times of
transition, and Arlene Margolis-Devermont is here to help.

If you'd like to Ask Arlene your questions on raising kids
in blended or divorced families email her at askarlene@familymagazinegroup.com.

Q. My husband and
I have 2 small children. He has a 9 and 13 year old from a previous marriage.
Things have always been a little difficult with his older children going back
and forth between our home and their mother's house. Different rules and
different expectations in each home result in many difficulties, especially now
that the children are getting older. I don't know how to handle the problems
that this joint custody situation causes. Do you have any suggestions as to how
I can deal with these problems?

A. I must say I
am quite pleased with the wording of your question. You state the problem
accurately in that it is you as well as your husband who have to learn to deal
with the problems that joint custodial situations bring. This is not a problem
the children have to face, but one left to the adults to handle. It is always
difficult when children live in two homes where the rules and expectations are
different. That is something that all joint custodial families have to deal
with. It is unlikely that the rules would be the same in both houses. If your
husband and his ex were that alike in how they saw things they probably would not
have divorced. As a result, it is common that things are dealt with differently
in the different homes.

My advice to families is that they be consistent with the
rules they have in their home. Do not alter these rules for the children who
are only there part time and do not treat those same children with any less
love and attention. Children learn very early to discriminate how they are to
behave in different environments and that includes different homes they live
in. As long as you are fair, consistent and loving, the children will learn and
accept what is expected of them in your home even if those expectations may
differ in their mother's home. It is important for you to point out why you
have the rules and expectations you have without criticizing their mother's way
of doing things. It is enough to keep reminding the children that your rules
are what work best in your home. With consistency in their lives, they will get
it. Love, fairness and a lot of tolerance will go along way to help all of you.