As a freshman, I never wanted to leave campus. I was content to be driven everywhere by upperclassmen. They knew their way around, and I didn't need to embarrass myself by slowing down traffic in a new city.

Now? Now I am that old person screaming at college freshmen and visiting parents from behind my steering wheel. I yell things that I would embarrass my family, and I invent new gestures to convey my outrage at their ever-more-slowly moving vehicles.

When I moved into the dorms, I studied the tiny, printed map the University sent in my welcome packet. I knew exactly where we needed to turn, and how long we would be allowed to keep our car in front of the building. I was going to be a move-in pro. I was going to get a medal for efficiency. I was expecting someone to say, "Oh, would you like to run move-in day next year?"

"No, I'm going to be busy working on a new and affordable public transportation plan for the city," I would have said.

There's just nothing more annoying to me than slow, meandering drivers. You know the ones I mean. "Oh, what's that building? A CVS? They put a CVS in a historic building in the middle of town? No! That's just too cute!"

I think I know how to fix this.* First, we set up a system in which every family bringing a child to college is required to park their cars 25 miles from the dorm. Shuttles will transport the families to the appropriate dorm rooms. On the shuttle ride, there will be no talking. No laughing. No fun. They will listen to a presentation regarding the appropriate behavior in a new town. They will be shown a video that will highlight all of the CVS-like restorations done on historic buildings. They will be given a light snack and a mild (bubblegum flavored!) sedative.

I imagine that the sedative is also some kind of fancy new drug** that will allow them to think they made some great memories on the trip. They will not know that the shuttle just did a loop around the city, stopping briefly to deposit their child at their dorm.

They will be taken back to their cars at the end of a long day on the shuttle. They will feel very fulfilled by all the warm, loving memories they made.

I might not need to clench my teeth and yell, "Get out of my way!" as I drive to work because I'll be getting there on time. I probably won't have a reason to rev my engine when I see college student cross against the light. I definitely won't have any trouble sleeping because I will hold stock in company that makes the mild sedative.

*Nationwide implementation pending.

**Scientists needed.