Over the last six months I have learned a lot about being a father. Most of the time it's total bliss, but let's get real: there are plenty of occasions (most of which happen between 2 and 6 a.m.) that I've wanted to bash my face against the wall while screaming "why" to the heavens. So, in order to save you other new fathers a little sanity, some time, and from ruining your wife's internal decorating, I have compiled a list of "Nevers" -- things not to do from lessons I've learned the hard way.
Never try to attach a baby up to the mother's breast in the middle of the night without letting the sleeping woman know first, especially if she's been having recurring dreams of being abducted by men in a black van.
Never tell the mother that her baby is hungry -- of course she knows -- she just doesn't like to be told this. And despite how pure your motives really are, she will always assume that you are trying to pawn off the hysterically crying infant.
Never assume that the diaper is just wet, and never, ever use your finger to try and prove to the mother that you're right.
Never fall asleep with your face anywhere near your sleeping baby's feet, especially if you wear glasses.
Never play superman with your baby just after a feeding session. No matter how pure their guts may be, getting a milk shower is never a pleasant experience.
Never assume your child is ever really sleeping…ever.
Never give in to the curious notion to try breast milk. But if you have to, wait until it's conveniently sitting on the counter in a bottle, and you are alone. And never ask to have some directly from the source.
Never assume that babies know when they are naked.
Never let your child fall asleep anywhere in your house, naked.
Never panic when your baby has an explosive blowout at the mall. And resist the urge to hold the poor child out at arm's length while speed walking, aimlessly, and demanding that random strangers tell you where the family restrooms are.
Never assume your wife will ever want to be intimate with you ever again, especially after the scene you caused at the mall.
Never post anything online that has to do with the mother/ baby without having her, and all her friends, approval first. And it's not okay for men to post cute nay-nay pictures of the baby learning how to splash in the sink, only girls can do that.
Never let your baby taste the lemon in your water at a fancy restaurant.
Never assume that the older couple sitting next to you in that restaurant doesn't mind that your baby is throwing food at them because it's so cute.
Never tell your wife that you wrote an article on what never to do when it comes to being a Father. She will critique it forever, and you will never get it back.